I’m turning 19 next month. For the last 5 years, I have battled with psychosis and never thought I would make it past 18.
It started as thoughts in the back of my mind that the world I was in wasn’t the real world, I then developed a rift between what I experienced and what I thought was happening.
My biggest problem was my delusions. I would take an extra 30 minutes to get somewhere because I tried to shake off those who were pursuing me.
I struggled to be a part of school because I believed that some of my classmates were swapped out with agents to monitor my every move.
Every moment of every day I was ready for violence, ready to defend myself.
So every single day I was on high alert never trusting anyone or any space.
I got to a point where I thought it better for me to not be here anymore, I had those thoughts every moment of every day.
It was exhausting.
Eventually, they heavily medicated me and kept me under constant watch for what I might do to myself or others.
But none of it helped.
Suicidal thoughts and delusions held me captive.
Nothing makes you feel less alive than people forcing you to be.
This created a powerful loop where I got stuck in this space between worlds.
I was between where I thought I was, in a world of spies and malicious surveillance, and where I actually was in a catholic school in regional Victoria.
Journalling
This is where I turned to writing.
Initially, I started with journaling.
Journalling about my thoughts, my delusions, and what I thought was happening.
I have sections in notebooks where I don’t even remember writing but the conviction with which I held these beliefs was intense.
After a few months of writing in my journal, I was able to reflect on my past writings and it sort of breathed a little bit of hope into me at that point.
I realized there’s a difference between what I thought the world was and what it actually was.
This was my first glimpse of getting better.
After establishing how much writing helped me deal with my own monsters I discovered fiction writing.
Creative Writing
I had always read and watched horror it was a way to externalize the terrors I felt.
Watching movies about monsters or some extrinsic force that was overcome was especially enjoyable.
Knowing now how much journalling had helped my mental health I decided I would try writing my own horror.
I write predominantly short fiction about creatures and monster horror.
Creative writing is another level of emotional release for me.
Putting the paranoia and obsession with the horrors I experienced in my life into stories where they were overcome reinforced the idea that I could overcome my situation.
By no means was I hard done by but I was in a victim mindset from being in survival mode for so long.
My Journey to Health
Writing was my screen to filter my delusions through to write some sense or meaning out of them to help me mentally cope with them.
Through my journalling and creative writing I have recovered drastically from that dark place in my life.
I was able to put in a solid effort in my last year of high school and ended up in the top 10 students in the school with my final result.
My Message to You
I have come from a difficult place that I thought I would never survive.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would see my 19th birthday.
What I want you to understand is that wherever you are in life, whatever struggles you are in there IS an ending.
You just have to keep going.
Keeping yourself going and not giving up is hard by itself.
That’s where writing comes in. Writing acted as a way to put my pain on hold, to keep going through the dark times, and still does.
You can’t be cured automatically it takes time, but you can learn to enjoy that time with writing.
Write your feelings, write your thoughts, and especially write your story because this world needs more people to share their stories.
Happy Writing, you’ve got this 🙂
I post writing tips every day. Here’s my most recent post;
Leave a Reply